You Can Quit a Drug
by ladycrawfish
Summary: He's like a drug for you, Bella." His voice was still gentle, not at all critical. "I see that you can't live without him now. It's too late. But I would have been healthier for you. Not a drug; I would have been the air, the sun." And at that precise moment, with one of the loves of my life lying broken, inside and out, before me that I was hit with a sudden realization.
1. Chapter 1

"He's like a drug for you, Bella." His voice was still gentle, not at all critical. "I see that you can't live without him now. It's too late. But I would have been healthier for you. Not a drug; I would have been the air, the sun."

And at that precise moment, with one of the loves of my life lying broken, inside and out, before me that I was hit with a sudden realization. My eyes widened and my breathing quickened. I clutched at my chest to keep my heart from exploding out of it and I could hear my breath getting raspy. Jacob looked at me, suddenly alarmed.

"Bella honey, what's wrong? What happened?" He tried to lift his right arm to comfort me, but grimaced in pain and let it drop.

It took me nearly a minute to collect myself enough to make my eyes meet his. My jaw had dropped, but the edges of my mouth had turned up in a slight smile. I was sure I must have looked like a lunatic, but nothing in that moment could have bothered me.

"You." I managed to whisper, already feeling the lump in my throat that was sure to bring tears.

Jacob furrowed his brows together, I guessed he was trying to decide whether or not to call for help. He spoke slowly, as if to someone who had just woken from a coma. Fitting, I suppose, as that's how I felt. Like I was finally waking up.

"What do you mean, Bells? Talk to me. What's going on?"

"You." I said again, my voice stronger, though shaking slightly. "It's you. It's supposed to be you. It has to be."

A single tear managed to slip passed my defenses, but, miraculously, there was not one ounce of sadness. It must've been something in the way Jacob, my sweet, sweet Jacob, had phrased his defeat. _I would have been the air, the sun._ And I had known that myself for so long now and I could no longer bear the thought of it not being. He was my sun. He was my air. He was my joy. He was my anger. He was my Jacob.  
A tentative smile crept across Jacob's face, though he still seemed like he was just humoring the crazy girl.

"That's what I've been trying to tell you." He said, a slight edge to his voice, as though he was still waiting for the hammer to strike, for me to tell him that it wasn't enough still.  
Hell, I waited for that little voice in my head to come back too. To tell me that I was already in too deep. That I had made my choice. Alice had seen it. It had to be.  
There was silence for two minutes that seems like decades. We never broke eye contact. The little voice never came.

"Jacob." I whispered, though it was more of a sigh. "My Jacob."

He took his left hand that was still wrapped around my waist and lifted it to caress my cheek. "I am."

Jacob was still unsure. Somehow what happened in my mind was so monumental that I thought for sure lightening would strike and he would automatically know. But it didn't and now I had to tell him. Say the words. Stake my claim.  
I closed my eyes for a brief moment and let out a shaky exhale. Jacob was still looking at me like something was loose upstairs, still guarded. Still waiting for me to hurt him again. Could I blame him? It's all I've done. _Never again._ I vowed to myself. _Never again will I hurt my sun that warms me in the cold and my air that fills my lungs. You can quit a drug. You cannot quit existence._

"Will you let me pick you?" I asked.

The words were barely out of my mouth when his hand that had been resting on my cheek gripped the back of my neck and pulled my lips to his. I wrapped one arm around his neck and let the other fall at my side, unsure where else to touch him that wouldn't cause pain. Our lips moved together in perfect unison, his hot breath feeding the fire in my head. There was nothing, absolutely nothing else in this world at this moment but him. He was not worried about being gentle or careful or controlled and neither was I. The way his lips formed with mine and my hand was able to grip his neck was unreal. Or rather, it _was_ real. This was what it should be. This was what I wanted. I wanted whatever time I had with my Jacob, be it ten days or fifty years. An eternity with anyone else would never equal this one passionate kiss with my Jacob.  
He tried to lift his right arm once more and gasped in pain. I immediately pulled away, though only by a few inches. My eyes were wide, alarmed at his pain.  
I opened my mouth to speak, and he leaned forward and gave me a soft, sweet kiss before moving away from me again. His hand slipped down my neck to rest on my arm, his thumb mindlessly, naturally rubbing circles. His head tilted back on his pillow and he let out a loud exhale.

"What are you doing to me, Bella?" He whispered. It sounded pained. He was still waiting for me to leave.

I gripped his neck and tilted his head to look him in the eyes. I hoped I looked slightly less psychotic. I smiled softly at him.

"Jacob Black, I want you to be my sun. I want you to be my air. Jacob, I want you."


	2. Chapter 2

-I'm so pleased with the little bit of feedback I've gotten from y'all! I was waiting to gauge the reception before continuing, and since it's been positive, I'll go ahead and carry forward! Thanks and keep letting me know what you think.-

I had no idea how many hours had passed since I'd laid my head on Jacob's good shoulder. I sat in silence as he slept, feeling his warmth radiate through my body and timing my steady breathing with his. It took him a long time to fall asleep, to believe that I wouldn't leave when his eyes closed. But I wouldn't leave, couldn't even if I wanted to (not that I did). The sun had gone down and I knew I needed to call Charlie, but I didn't want to return to the world. I wanted to stay in _our_ world. I wasn't ready to face the consequences of my choice. Alice had no doubt seen my future disappear into darkness hours ago and Edward had no doubt seen it by now as well. I could imagine him waiting at the treaty line. His eyes dark, his features cold as the stone he was.

 _Interesting._ I thought to myself. _How quickly a switch can be flipped in the mind._ I no longer saw him in my mind as my Adonis. The moment I chose the sun, he became the drug. I had a hard time imagining the pain that would be associated with our imminent discussion. Would there even be pain? I chucked softly to myself, how different this separation would be to when he initially left me behind. I was still hooked. I was in my drugged stupor, unable to function without my fix. Charlie saw it then. My friends saw it then. I'm sure everyone in town saw it then. How unhealthy, how _deadly_ his love had made me. But I saw it now. As I sit with my Jacob, it's easy to see what he must've seen. The bags under my eyes, the sickeningly sallow skin, my hair thinning with the misery. Sure, there were plenty of times when Edward made me happy. But for me to instantly lose myself whenever he was gone, whether for a year or for a weekend 'hunting' trip... it was not healthy. It was not normal. it was not me. It would never be me again.

I was geared and ready to face Edward, rehearsing in my head exactly what I would say, when there was a soft knock at the door.

"C'mon in, Billy." I said quietly, hoping not to wake Jacob.

But it wasn't Billy. Ever so slowly, Carlisle Cullen opened the door to Jacob's tiny room and stepped in. I suddenly felt claustrophobic. This space was far too small for a fully grown werewolf, a centuries old vampire, and little old me.

I immediately looked down at my knees and mumbled something along the lines of, "Hey Carlisle, how are you?"

There was no way he didn't know. It felt like the whole planet knew. I wanted the whole planet to know. But in reality, it was only me and Jacob who really _knew_. Alice had a good idea and Edward was surely trying to imagine any situation where it didn't mean what it did, but surely one of them had spoken to Carlisle. And that's why he looked at me like I was no more than a passing stranger. No matter what reaction I anticipated from Edward, I never expected anything less than quiet friendliness from Carlisle. He was a good man. He would respect, if not fully understand, my decision.

I'd been so lost in my thoughts that it shocked me when he spoke to me.

"Bella, you should step out. This could be painful to watch." Carlisle said, his voice soft.

My mind immediately raced and my eyes narrowed in on his. What did that mean? What had Edward said? What was he going to do to my Jacob?

"I have to examine him and there may be more fractures out of place. You shouldn't be here when I correct them." He explained.

"Oh." I said quietly, standing up quickly. Too quickly. I'd been sitting so long, black spots immediately clouded over my eyes and I had to catch myself on the wall to keep from toppling over. "Ah!" I shouted before balancing myself. It woke Jacob.

His eyes shot open and he immediately sat up, cringing in pain, eyes wide and dancing between Carlisle and me. I'm sure he was no more excited by us being intruded on than I was.

"Where are you going, Bella?" He asked, his voice raspy with sleep.

"Nowhere, Jake. I'm not going anywhere." I replied, unable to hide the emotion in my voice from Carlisle. "I'm just going to sit with Billy for a few while Carlisle checks you out."

He relaxed slightly, easing back down onto his pillow, teeth gritted. "Okay. Don't leave."

I smiled softly at him and exited the room. How I wanted to lean down and kiss him, kiss him hard, and run my hands through his hair. But not with Carlisle there. I am not a cruel person.

As I shut the door behind myself, I leaned against it, staring at the ceiling. Holy hell. I heard the tv on down the hallway and knew Billy was sitting there, probably still clueless. I heard the soft, muffled voiced of Jacob and Carlisle Cullen from behind the door and slowly slid my back down the door until I was sitting on the hard wooden floor. I lifted my knees to my chest and focused on breathing evenly. It wasn't until I heard Jacob's first groan of pain that I lowered my head between my knees and let the tears fall, waiting for his pain to end.


End file.
